Order Number: AA-CN27B-TE
Congratulation! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you
thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will
destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you
to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK
THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED
IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME
CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECODER AND SET
IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT
AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT,
YOU KNOW THAT?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting
back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer
inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these
instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead
insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it from the
shipping people, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT
RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS
PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only
proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering
backing out of the whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of
Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not
without irony that Ida Mea's last name is "Barker", if you get out
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES
OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return
the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store
personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just
after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
- Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
- A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OT MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse
and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get
all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the latest
thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which in a continuing
effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow
through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where
One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the
revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines
Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near
an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT
IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD
VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE
DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURES
IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF
ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER
to hold these buttons two times! Except the battery. Next taking the
(something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is
not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly
(something) viewpoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY: Be it herby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all
defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday
afternoon at shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no
charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from
their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This
warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
(UNIX is a trademark of AT&T Bell laboratories.)
Digital Equipment Corporation, Merrimack, New Hampshire